“I don’t want to be here anymore.”

Those words can be frightening to hear. Our minds may immediately jump to suicide. But before we assume what someone means, we need to do something both simple and incredibly important:

Ask.

Sometimes a person does want to die. Sometimes they are thinking about suicide. And sometimes what they are desperately trying to communicate is:

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

There is an important difference.

Someone may be exhausted from trauma. Grief. Depression. Anxiety. Physical pain. Financial stress. Loneliness. Rejection. Family problems. Chronic illness. Abuse. Feeling unheard. Or simply fighting for so long that they cannot imagine fighting tomorrow, too.

Pain can narrow a person's field of vision.

When every road seems blocked, the mind may begin looking for an exit.

That is why we cannot be afraid of the conversation.

Ask the Question

There is a persistent myth that asking someone about suicide will somehow “put the idea in their head.”

It doesn't.

Asking directly about suicidal thoughts does not cause someone to become suicidal. What it can do is create an opening for honesty.

You can ask:

“Are you thinking about suicide?”

“Are you thinking about ending your life?”

“When you say you don't want to be here, what does ‘not being here’ mean to you?”

They may say no.

That answer matters.

They may say yes.

That answer matters, too.

Either way, now we are talking.

And conversation gives us somewhere to go.

“I Don't Know” Is Still an Answer

Sometimes when we ask someone why they feel this way, we get a shrug.

“I don't know.”

That doesn't necessarily mean there is nothing underneath it.

Sometimes depression, anxiety, trauma, hopelessness, or emotional exhaustion has been present for so long that explaining it feels like another task the person simply doesn't have the energy to complete.

They may feel numb.

They may not have language for what is happening inside them.

They may be tired of explaining.

They may believe nobody will understand anyway.

That is when we stay curious without becoming intrusive.

We listen.

We ask another question.

We give them room to find words.

And sometimes we simply sit with them while they do.

Suicide Doesn't Have a “Type”

Suicidal thoughts are not restricted to one race, gender, age, income level, profession, or social class.

Money may solve some problems. It cannot purchase immunity from despair.

Neither can education, faith, professional success, a beautiful family, a good job, or appearing to “have everything together.”

Young people can experience suicidal thoughts.

Older adults can experience suicidal thoughts.

People living with trauma can experience them.

People who appear incredibly resilient can experience them.

We cannot determine someone's internal world by looking at their external circumstances.

Not Everyone Lands on Their Feet

Life can turn upside down quickly.

A death. A diagnosis. A divorce. Financial devastation. Violence. Job loss. Betrayal. Trauma. Isolation. A future that suddenly looks nothing like the one someone spent years imagining.

We sometimes talk about resilience as though human beings should simply bounce back.

But we aren't cats.

We don't always land on our feet.

Sometimes we land confused, frightened, angry, exhausted, grieving, and wondering what we're supposed to do next.

That doesn't make someone weak.

It means something hurts.

And pain deserves attention.

Give People More Than One Door

When someone feels that there are no options, our job is not to lecture them about everything they should be grateful for.

Our job is to help widen the room.

Who can we call?

Where can we go?

What needs to happen tonight?

What can wait until tomorrow?

Who is safe?

What has helped before?

What needs to be removed from the environment?

What professional support is available?

Sometimes hope doesn't begin with believing that everything will magically get better.

Sometimes hope begins with discovering:

There is another option.

Then another.

Then another.

If someone tells you, “I don't want to be here anymore,” don't panic, dismiss it, shame them, preach at them, or pretend you didn't hear it.

Ask what they mean.

Listen to the answer.

And don't be afraid to ask directly about suicide.

You are not creating suicidal thoughts by asking about them.

You may be creating the first safe place that person has had to tell the truth.

It is okay to say you are not okay.

It is okay to say you are tired.

It is okay to say the pain feels unbearable.

And it is okay to need someone else to help you find the next option when you cannot see it for yourself.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or is in emotional crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the United States. If there is immediate danger or a suicide attempt is underway, seek emergency medical assistance.

Healing Byrd Therapy, LLC
Healing is a journey. You don't have to travel it silently.